>The Trailing Edge Catalog: Products You CAN Live Without
>
>by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu
>
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>
>Electric Shocking Pager
>     Your employees will never forget a meeting with these helpful reminders
>     strapped to their bodies. This unbreakable device delivers a painful
>     electric shock to notify them of pending appointments and approaching
>     deadlines. Not legal for use on livestock.
>
>The Magical Mystery Mixture
>     An enchanting assortment of broken glass, dead beetles, and soiled,
>     bloody medical waste. Available in 5, 20, or 100 pound bags, or choose
>     the two-ton economy pack, dumped directly in your living room free of
>     charge.
>
>Drink the Spittoon
>     The juicy new game for kids! If you get a Hawker, Loogie, or Gob Card,
>     it's time to ante up, with the electronic scoring spittoon judging your
>     range and accuracy. But draw the dreaded Purple Lunger Card and it's
>     time to Drink the Spittoon! Now available: Adventures in Excretia
>     Expander Pack, for adults only.
>
>The Game of Life, California Edition
>     The whole family will enjoy golden times in the Golden State with this
>     fast-paced new boardgame. Starting out as a Laid-off Defense Worker,
>     Crack-addicted Runaway, Young Vice Lord, or Impoverished Migrant
>     Worker, can you achieve riches on the Gridlocked Freeway of Success?
>     Collect points by landing on Senseless Litigation, Check Kiting, and
>     Insurance Fraud squares. Draw a Red Card and roll the dice to order a
>     Driveby Shooting, or draw a Green Card to avoid the Deportation Square.
>     But don't draw Earthquake, Flood, or Fire cards, and watch out for the
>     Fault Zone!
>
>Dead Rat in an Old Buick Hubcap
>     Pretty much self explanatory. A great alternative to pot-pourri. Color
>     may vary.
>
>Shrieking Sonic Mind Mangler
>     Put on this sleek "virtual reality" helmet and you're guaranteed a
>     splitting headache in under a minute! Blinding strobe lights and
>     screeching stereophonic sirens will overwhelm your senses in a
>     cacaphony of stimuli. Requires ten "D" cell batteries, not included.
>
>Acme Artificial Mucous
>     Just like the real thing! Now in the two-liter Economy Jug, with the
>     new EZ-Pour spout.
>
>Stress Enhancement Tapes
>     Don't lull yourself to complacent slumber with the sound of ocean waves
>     and forest breezes; pop these jarring cassettes in your WalkPerson and
>     keep your edge! Feel your skin crawl as the sound of braking trolley
>     cars, jackhammers, and low-flying jets assaults your ears on the Urban
>     Rhythms tape. Thrill to the natural sounds of hyenas in their
>     death-agony and screeching howler monkeys defending their territory on
>     Shrieks of Nature! Forty-seven tapes in all.
>
>Ticking Bomb
>     Where'd it come from? Is it real? Should I open it? These mysteries and
>     more are yours to unravel when you order this ominous-looking device.
>     Makes a great gift.
>
>Dr. Dullard's Cough Syrup
>     The only cough syrup designed to make you cough *more*! You'll be
>     rasping, wheezing, and convulsively hacking up bits of lung scant
>     moments after consuming the Doctor's potent mixture.
>
>Young Investigator Kits
>     Now your children can explore the wonders of nature with these exciting
>     Activity Kits:
>     Mutation Exploration
>          Discover the Miracle of Life as you trace the development of small
>          creatures exposed to the Big Lump O' Cesium. Lead shielding not
>          included.
>     Scorpion Hatchery
>          Leave the eggs in a cool, dry place such as a coat closet or
>          dresser, and experience the thrill as dozens of young hatch in the
>          coming weeks.
>     Giga Glue
>          Mix the chemicals in a well ventilated area to produce a pungent
>          mixture that will permanently adhere to virtually any form of
>          solid matter.
>     Electric Tower of Power
>          An exciting new kit that lets you turn any high tension wire tower
>          into a glowing, spark-shooting Tower of Power! May disrupt
>          television reception in surrounding counties.
>
>Little Tykes Musical Maelstrom
>     Everything a budding young musician needs for a really BIG sound!
>     Includes a trumpet, a slide trombone, a ten-piece drum kit, blasting
>     caps, an air-raid siren, and a 500 watt amplifier! Act now and receive
>     a free ten-pound bag of raw sugar that'll give them the energy to play
>     on through the night. The perfect gift for children of parents you
>     hate.
>
>The Enchanted Chalkboard
>     Spend a thrilling evening with Itchi, Peruvian master of the Musical
>     Chalkboard, as his talented fingernails scratch out your favorite tunes
>     on this four album collection. Every hair on your body will stand on
>     end during his half-hour scraped rendition of Moon River. Be moved to
>     tears by his masterful two-handed interpretation of Chariots of Fire.
>     Perfect for the office!
>
>Staring Escort Service
>     Receive total attention from our Staring Escorts! Trained members of
>     our staff will follow your every move closely for days on end, silently
>     fixing you with a piercing, unwavering stare through all your
>     activities. There's no need to feel ignored with Staring Escorts on
>     call! Surprise that special someone now.
>
>Anything's Possible!
>     Why let your children be unnecessarily constrained by boring old facts?
>     Expand their horizons and give them lots to think about with these
>     dynamic new educational videos. Maybe two plus two is negative
>     seventy-three. Maybe George Washington fought Eskimo raiders in the
>     Franco-Prussian War of 1066. Maybe ice melts because of sunspots and
>     evil spirits. Or maybe not. After all, Anything's Possible in this
>     exciting series that will profoundly influence your child's educational
>     progress for years to come.
>
>Home Biscuit Baker
>     Just mix the twenty-three special ingredients in the precise order,
>     kneed vigorously for a few hours, pop the dough in the Biscuit Baker,
>     let sit in a dark, sound-proof room in a seismically stable region for
>     a few weeks, and Presto! Your homemade biscuit is ready. It's that
>     easy! Not safe for children under 18. Not intended for actual human
>     consumption.
>
>Own Your Very Own Soviet Oil Refinery!
>     We've made a Special Deal, and for a limited time only you can live the
>     dream of owning your very own Authentic Soviet Oil Refinery, for a lot
>     less than you might expect! Constructed in the romantic years of the
>     1950-1955 Five Year Economic Plan, these plants have been painstakingly
>     disassembled with powerful explosives for easy transport. Won't the
>     neighbors be green with envy when three hundred semi trailers arrive
>     with the pieces of *your* refinery! Its rusted, blackened shards of
>     towering scrap metal will be the talk of the town. May violate zoning
>     ordinances in some areas. Extensive assembly required.
>
>FlossTracker
>     How many times has this happened to you: you've just gorged yourself on
>     roast beef and corn on the cob, yet you discover you're completely out
>     of dental floss! Well, you'll never be without floss again with
>     FlossTracker, the advanced software solution from FlossWare. Record
>     your hourly flossing activity in the FlossTracker Spreadsheet Module to
>     generate an exhaustive statistical profile of your floss consumption,
>     complete with three-dimensional distribution plots and histograms.
>     FlossTracker will even monitor your current floss inventory, projecting
>     your floss needs for the coming weeks and automatically ordering
>     additional floss as necessary from the nearest FlossWare Regional
>     Distribution Center. You can calculate optimal floss lengths for your
>     personalized dental profile, and even add flavor with the optional Mint
>     Module. FlossTracker requires a Pentium PC with 32MB of RAM, 1.2GB of
>     storage space, a Novell file server, an atomic clock, a Romulan
>     cloaking device, and Windows 95.
>