Answering Machine Messages Creative Answering Machine Messages "You have reached WPMS - 3 weeks of blues, 1 week of ragtime. WPMS." "Hi. Now you say something." "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work. Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions. Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day. Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you. Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up. Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you. Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't. (Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. +++++Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me? We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again. You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep... I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back. I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person. This is Alan. Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message. Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks. Bridge, Kirk here. This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when. You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep. Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine! Rocky: Again? Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.) Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message. Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible. [Carefully modulated English accent, like Alex in A Clockwork Orange] Oh, my brothers and only droogs, your poor narrator's not in now--he's out on his oddy-nocky looking for a bit of pretty polly--some young devotchka with horrorshow grooties. Leave thy message after the malinky beepie-weep, and I'll get back to thee later, righty-right. Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn...penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. Thanks for calling the Suicide Hotline. At the tone, your telephone will explode, sending fragments of metal and plastic deep into your brain.... Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1... This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is acetylcholinesterase {or clitoris, or scaphoid, or arrhenotky...} [Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage--my shoulders really could use it, and, what? You're only supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn.... Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana 'im big fella mek talkie-talk back real fas'. What you are about to hear is not a beep. It is a digitally manipulated fart. This answering machine has a short attention span, and it WILL hang up on you if leave a boring message. Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions. (Machine voice:) Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone. Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding. 1: I didn't expect an answering machine. 2: Nobody expects an answering machine. 1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number. 2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number. 1: And message. Damn. 2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message. 1: And time you called. 2: Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. 1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep. (Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone". You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day. This is Constable Fredricks of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist organizations. Thank you. E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die. This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious". Do you realize that at this moment there are people all over the world who have no means of communication? With your 20 second message donation, we can bring your voice to many children who are dying to hear it. So please, say something after the beep. The children are waiting. (Masterpiece Theatre theme; pompous British accent:) Hello, and welcome to Answering Machine Theatre. In tonight's episode, Richard is unable to answer the telephone. Richard requests that callers leave a name, a telephone number, and a brief message. And now for tonight's episode of Answering Machine Theatre. (American advertising-whisper voice:) Brought to you in part by a grant from the Mobil Corporation. You've reached the B&D Hotline. All our operators are tied up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance. ("Heartbreak Hotel":) I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell, And if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP (Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":) You have reached 587-8783. Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up the phone... There's still... Nobody home.") (Pink Floyd:) Welcome my friends, welcome... to... the machine... (Voice:) Please leave your name, phone number and message. Thank you. (Monster Mash) I was dialing from the lab, late one night, When my ears beheld an eerie plight... My assistant was frightened by the tone That signaled that no one was home. ...THERE'S NO ONE HOME MASTAH, MASTAH THERE'S NO ONE HOME. Igor you impetuous fool, then leave a message! ("Camptown Races":) I can't come to the telephone; doo-dah, doo-dah. Leave your message when you hear the tone; oh, de doo-dah day. Might be gone all night... Might be gone all day... So leave a message when you hear the tone. I'll call you back someday... ("If I Only Had A Brain":) I might be in the shower, I might be gone for hours, I can't come to the phone. So, please leave your name and number, If I miss you it'd be a bummer, Leave your message at the tone... (The Barney Song:) We're not home, We're not home. Please leave a message at the tone, With your name and number and a few short words. Please do not hang up the phone. (Hitchhikers Guide theme:) The Cerius Cybernetic Corporation was happy to correct the problem of all that icky person-to- person conversation that happens when people actually pick up the phone and talk to each other. So they added the "answering machine," which will cleverly record your message and play it back at the wrong speed, to make everyone who calls you sound like they have partaken a large supply of helium. Unless your message is REALLY important, in which case, the machine simply breaks its own tape, to insure that you never get the message at all. It would be a shame to waste all this brilliant technology, so please attempt to leave a message. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we like the color. Hi, this is Johan advising you that you spend WAY too much time on the phone. GO OUTSIDE... See the world, LIVE a little... Have fun. You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day. I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. This is Clovis' answering machine. Clovis is committing sodomy right now. Please call back in an hour, when, I regret to inform you, you may receive the same message. The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it. Please leave a tone after the message. (Fairly boring message:) This is John. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message at the tone, I'll return your call. (Now, re-record the message every morning. Frequent callers will notice that something sounds different, but will be confused since the words are exactly the same.) Hello, you have reached 555-1234. Our voice mail system is currently experiencing difficulties, so at the tone, please type your message on the keypad using the appropriate letters, and press the pound sign when finished. Hello, you have reached dial an unpopular luncheon meat, I am pimento loaf, leave me a message. Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP I just got a car phone. I'm not here at the moment. Leave me a message and I'll call you when I'm out. Bye. Bless God and, later you at talk possible as soon as you to back get I'll and number and name your leave to time the take please. So now right home not I'm 435-9854, Carr Dennis of residence the reached you've. Hi. Blah, blablablah, blah, blah. Blah? Blah blah. Blah. BEEP Congratulations! By correctly dialing 123-4567, you have become eligible to leave a message! (Applause.) Join the lucky few that have advanced to the next level! (Cheers.) And now, at the sound of the tone, leave your name, number, the time you called, and a brief message. Random fact number 10: The first manned mission to Jupiter will be crewed by the Smiths. Random fact number 64: Dairy Queen discovered cold temperature fusion before the bums in Utah. Random fact number 36: Bren's not here and he wants you leave a message. Random fact number 22: Bismarck is the capital of North Dakota. So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee. "We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval." "You have reached the , Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day." "Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can." [imitating Ensign Chekov] "Oh, sair...it was *Khan*! He made us say things...do things...he kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as he can!" [imitating Mr. Rogers] "Hello. I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure...I knew you could." Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if... Matt: Steve, what are you doing? Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here. Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn. Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn. Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn. Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing with that frying pan?!? BONK [really loud thud] Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number. "Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?" "This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking). Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later." "Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......" Room 17, the final frontier. These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its 2 semester mission: to seek out your name and your telepohne number. To boldly inform you to wait for the tone. (Annoying flute music in background) Good day, Jim. Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim. "Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name ...", etc. "Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer." In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music. Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession. At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you. Hi this is . I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back. A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely, horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING BETTER." "Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking." "Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG) "Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?" "Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct: T minus one minute and counting" "Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?" (silence...click) "Vancouver Coastguard, may I help you." Noisy pick-up of phone Uh... Hello? Hi, I 'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on the 'frige where he'll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live? "This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people ringing the phone at 10am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message. Feh! [Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you. This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is SUPERCILIOUS ...} Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast. "This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message." A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.... Hello. I can't come to the phone now because--HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND ON THAT--goddam. ...because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over ...BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT!...over for dinner. After the tone...BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG...MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ...shit...Leave a message after the tone...HEY, FUCKHEAD... Hello. Lindsey's not home now--this is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. Ring, Ring: The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). "Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! (your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..." {background music: Billy Joel's _Pressure_ very loud} Hello. You have reached Tom and Mark's room. We're a little busy now... { BJ screams PRESSURE!!! } So, leave a message and we'll get back to you someday after (exam end date) { BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very out-of-tune BEEP! } In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans. Hi,... You've just reached {name} pleasure palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell but when we're done... we'll get back to you in whatever way we can. [b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented] "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message..." etc. (Spoken in a granny voice) "Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot." Hello, this is <...> speaking. I'd like a large pizza with extra anchovies. (pause) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number. "I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls. So just start talking and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say? In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. [sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex] But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... [sound effect: dial tone] Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! "Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number and a message and if we like it we will return your call". "This is David. Talk." "Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one." "Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number..." "Hello?" "Sorry, he's not here right now, but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you." (woman taped off a "phone sex" service) WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to ... YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone.. (then ask for a message) "Hi, this is Jeff. We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually." BEEP "Hello, I'm not hear right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner." Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back. "Hello?" "Hello, I'm not here." Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah that's it. (in an Italian mafia-style tone:) "Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little...