YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF...

You have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
You enjoy pain.
You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
When you look in a mirror, you see a engineering major.
It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
You always do homework on Friday nights.
You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
You think in "math."
You've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
You hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
You have a pet named after a scientist.
You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
The Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
You can translate English into Binary.
You can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
You have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
You are completely addicted to caffeine.
You avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
You consider ANY non-science course "easy."
When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
The "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
You'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
Your "Far Side" desk calendar is four months behind.
You can speak sentences with four or more acronyms in them.
You can understand sentences with four or more acronyms in them.
The term "sanitation engineer" actually bothers you.
You own three calculators.
You wear old running shoes on Friday.
You still wear those knit ties.
The highlight of your trip to Las Vegas was a tour of Hoover Dam.
You have ever ridden an escalator and mentally calculated the horsepower necessary to run it.
You have automatic everything in your house, but none of it meets the National Electrical Code.
You know more about what's inside the TV than what programs are on it.
You know Frame Relay is not an Olympic event.
You own more than three mechanical pencils.
You have more cable TV and telephone outlets in your house than electrical outlets.
The people at Radio Shack ask you questions.
You have ever tried to network your home PC, microwave oven and garage-door opener.
You own eight neckties, all identical.
Your car has two more antennas than it came with.
Your spouse keeps tripping over the wire you strung -- temporarily-- three years ago.
You are on a first-name basis with the sales staff of a major parts mail-order house.
You have more compilers than computers.
You look at the assembler output of your compiler because "you know you can do better."
You know how many transistors were in each x86 chip put out by Intel.
You bought Windows 2.0, and liked it.
You dated the keypunch operator to get special treatment.
You can count in binary on your fingers.
You answer, "I'll tell you but then I'll have to kill you."
Your children ask a question like "How do radios work?" and have no further questions after your explanation.
You put a hanging ground strap on your car.
You've wired every room in your house for 10 Base T (Cat5, of course)
You keep the knobs off junk electronics stuff, just in case.
You can do a roadside repair of your car's ECM, but can't change a flat.
You've fitted transponders to your kids and pets so you know  where they are at all times. (okay so maybe not yet, but I know you've thought about it!)
You've instrumented the department coffee maker so you can tell from your workstation when someone has started a fresh pot.
You use a stapler to stitch a hole in your pocket.
You calculate the best patterns to mow your lawn in the least amount of time.
You are better with a Karnaugh map than you are with a street map.
You still think Tron was the best movie ever made.
At a traffic intersection you try to figure out the synchronization pattern between your car's wipers and the others'
You and your spouse have developed a discrete (as in non-public) signal to let you know when your penchant for factual accuracy is killing a good story.
One computer, keyboard, mouse and screen is not enough for you. You spend your evening and/or night watching at least three screens at the same time.
You have at least one historical computer in your closet.
Your cooking is always burned because of the million other things you do at the same time.
You take along a printout of the schedule of your family vacation.
You've ever said that even if you didn't need the money and they didn't pay you, you'd still work for free.
At home, you find the idea of moving a wall more attractive than the idea of painting it.
You can name all the cards in your PC without looking.
You empty your pockets at home at night and amongst the change you find two resistors, a NiCad battery and a 75-ohm terminator.
You are uninterested in Olympic events that involve subjective judging (skating, gymnastics, diving, etc.)
Your spouse puts up wall-mounted bookshelves and you can tell by eye that the left side is 1/8 inch lower than the right.
You always have to explain things by drawing it out on paper or a napkin.
You understood more than five of these indicators.
You make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
You read this list in entirety.

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John Quantrell,
Department of Mechanical Engineering,
Imperial College, London.