A beginners guide to mornings

Step 1: Wake up, if you have not yet woken up then how are you reading this list? Hence, you must be awake.

Step 2: If, in some unlikely event there is someone next to you... If you recognise them say good morning, otherwise demand to know who they are and what they're doing there.

Step 3: Check you have all your limbs.

Step 4: Check all your limbs are functioning and not in great pain.

Step 5: If there is no-one else in the room get out of bed and go to step 7

Step 6: Check you have some clothes on, if you don't then avoid embarassing anyone else by looking shy (and stupid) and wander around with a duvet around you (unless, of course, you do not mind embarassing the other person in the room)

Step 7: Check if your location is vaguely familiar, if it is then ensure it is somewhere you expect to be in a morining, otherwise see step 7a-c.

Step 7a: Put all your clothes on.

Step 7b: Panic.

Step 7c: RUN AWAY! Instructions end... (Find a bridge... Jump!)

Step 8: Decide if it is a weekend, if it is go back to bed and start step 1 in 2 hours.

Step 9: Check if it is a work day, if it is not go back to bed and start step 1 in 2 hours.

Step 10a: Go to toilet.

Step 10b: If your legs and the floor are wet, lift lid and start step 10a again.

Step 10c: Wash hands.

Step 10d: Brush teeth. Possible faults and solutions: You have not put toothpaste on the brush (check floor). You have missed your mouth (rinse ear out). You have got the toothbrush the wrong way round (repeat step 10c).

Step 10e: Wash face & shave. Possible faults and solutions: Shaving foam appears on floor (Aim nozzle of can correctly). Hair is not found in sink (Check you are using a razor / check you are using the correct end of the razor / check you are not a woman).

Step 10f: Brush hair (on head) avoid using a toothbrush for this step, the bristles get all messy.

Step 11: Find underwear... Put underwear on remembering to check the labels are in expected places. If you are not a woman, check that you are not wearing a bra, stockings, suspenders,a crash helmet, a basque, tights, lacy underwear or hold-ups. If you are a woman ensure you are wearing at least one preferably more of the previous list.

Step 12: Find outer garments and put on. Ensure seams are not on the outside, ensure you are not wearing a skirt if you are a man (ignore if it is a weekend.. however, you won't be reading this if it is) and finally ensure you are wearing your own clothes.

Step 13: Have a shower.

Step 14: If you have just had a shower you are very damp and confused and you should start from step one and put step 13 in before 10, and WAKE UP!!!!!!!

Step 15: Locate bedroom door. Usually has a handle, often made of metal, door itself is usually wood. N.B. Do not confuse with wardrobe.

Step 16: Turn light on. If you cannot find the light switch, you are in the wardrobe, repeat step 15.

Step 17: Locate stairs, if you wake up in ten minutes time with a headache you have gone to close to the edge. However, you can skip Step 18.

Step 18: Walk down the stairs.

Step 19: Check time. If you have enough time to make breakfast then carry straight on to step 20. If you need to leave for work now skip to step ..... If you are already late for work panic. If you are already at work, wake up (see step 1).

Step 20: If you have a cat, say good morning to the cat.

Step 21: If someone said good morning to you 10 mins ago (see step 2) then apologise for ignoring them and say good morning.

Step 22: Find kitchen, if it has a shower in then you have got the wrong room.

Step 23: Locate Cereal/Toast/Bacon/Eggs/Sausage/Squirrel/Beans/Hash Browns etc..

Step 24: Prepare the above for consumption (N.B. Gas cookers should have flames, if it does not, do not light a match/turn on light. If you already have then you are not reading this.)

Step 25: Eat breakfast (ensure you have correct orifice, if you do not then start again from step 10).

Step 26: Locate all neccesary items for work: Briefcase, Notebook-PC, lunch, wallet, handcuffs, umbrella, diary etc.

Step 27: Identify front door.

Step 28: Walk out of front door. If you are still inside repeat step 27. If you are in the back garden, go back inside and repeat step 27.

Step 29: Locate car, if this step takes longer than 5 minutes conclude that you did not have a car (see step 29a)

Step 29a: Locate bicycle, if this step takes longer than 5 minutes conclude that you did not have a bicycle (see step 29c)

Step 29c: Locate feet, if this step takes longer than 5 minutes conclude you are wearing shoes. Find public transport, or walk. If this step takes longer than 5 hours you went by train...

Step 30: Arrive at work.

Step 31: Wake up (see step 1)