A Pub Guide

(like you've never seen before)

Seeing as Wain can't be arsed to write the pub guide, I'm going to do it.

The Oak

This is the first pub as you come into Malvern from the North - it's opposite the Texaco garage. There's a fruit machine in one corner that makes annoying bleeping sounds every so often. That's about as exciting as it gets: it's full of old people. Don't go there. The only interesting thing about this pub is that there are wooden ducks taped to the partition railing type things.

Score: 2/10 (the ducks save it from a 1)

The one up Lower Howsell road (nr Summerfield House)

This is a family pub. If you want to drive, it does have a big car park but remember: don't drink and drive! This does, however make the visit to the pub rather crap. They do serve some half decent food during the day but the only time I have been at night, we took one look and left.

Full of old people again. Not even any wooden ducks.

Score: 1/10

The Beachamp

This is in the centre of Malvern Link and has satelite TV in the main bar. This is bollocks because the volume is turned right down and you can't hear a thing. Footie matches are shown in the back room with volume. Has very cheap bitter and a good range of different brews. It's fairly small so a decent size group can take over and colonize a corner. Not much in the way of tottie. This is probably the best place in Malvern to nick pint glasses from. Not only is the door far from the bar but they have plenty of interesting ones like Shropshire Lad.

Score:6/10 (nice and cheap for a quite night)

The Bakery

It looks run down and pants. Hence I have never had a drink there. I've been in a couple of times looking for people but was never tempted to stop.

Score: 2/10

The Nags Head

This is situated at the top end of Malvern Link common. It has a pool table, fairly good juke box, nice staff and decent drinks (not noted for being esecially cheap, though). Should be on every pub crawl through Malvern. This however, is not a pub you would go to in order to pull, there's not a great selection of birds.

Score: 7/10

The Morgan

This is the jail bait pub. Andy Bramagh is always very keen to go here (does that say something about him or what?) and so's Andy Fletcher..... It's lively, interesting (outside bit, pool table, video juke box) and full of slappers who obviously weren't ID checked on the door. The drinks are expensive andthe bar is unbelievably small for the number of people they have in there. That causes another problem: seats are like gold dust - if you get one, hang onto it with your life! There's bouncers on the door which means that nicking pint glasses is that bit more difficult.

Score: 7/10

The Red Lion

This is probably the best pub in Malvern. The only problem is that it's miles away from most places: it's a good half hour from Malvern Link. On the plus side it's got friendly staff (you've gotta say hi to Lucy) but they're not too keen to serve you birthday cocktails and the yard glass is definitely out. The drinks can be a bit pricy (Stella's about 1.90) but they do have a large bar and usually enough staff to cope. There is plenty of life (even mid week can be OK) and there is the opportunity to pull. Music's good most of the time. This was the pub where some fat woman dressed as the devil, stood on the table and drank my pepper filled pint (thanks Dave) through a trident.

Score: 9/10 (good atmosphere)

The Unicorn

This pub is always full. It's just down from the Red Lion and is a must on all pub crawls - you just can't miss it. They also foolishly leave their store cupboards (near the tiolets) open so that any dishonest people can walk in and nick stuff. The people in it are generaly a bit older than in the Red Lion and therefore it's a bit more boring. The Red Lion does beat it hands down.

Score: 6/10 (nicely between the Red Lion and Olivers)


A pub / nightclub. It's not really either and hence is a bit shit. There's your average club thump thump music and it's dark but the dance floor's tiny and the main part of the place is filled with pub chairs and tables. The dress code is collars only but I have never been in there with one on! The bouncers aren't really bothered until it hits half ten and then they let nobody in at all. If you're a few seconds late it's tough shit. The worst bit of all is that it closes at elevn like a normal pub. If this is your final destination on a pub crawl then you've really got to shift in order to get there in time. On the other hand, there are plenty of women there so it's not all bad.

Score: 6/10

The Social

It's cheap and there are pool tables and a snooker table. That's about it. Chances of pulling are zero. Taking pint glasses is a bit tight seeing as it's our club. There is the occasional bingo and dance session (if you like that sort of thing).

Score: 6/10 (it's cheap)

Page pointlessly created 07/02/97